I think scott just propositioned me for sex
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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