M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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