i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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