"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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