worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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