the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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