The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
