You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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