I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
