Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
