Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
