i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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