I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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