your parents love me but you hate me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
