if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
