Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
