haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
