If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His hands were made for my vagina.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This is my gift to your gina
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
