she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
