Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
