i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
