LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
