if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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