Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Text me some of your sweat
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