what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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