she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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