How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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