You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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