Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
