i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
