I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
