does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
