MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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