the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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