Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
