Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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