We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
