Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
