Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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