Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Holy sore nipples Batman
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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