its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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