I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
