alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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