I molested 6 butterflies tonight
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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