I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
