All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
