I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
