you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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