I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
