I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
